PERFORMANCE
Street Justice
By Eddie Habeck III
Posted on Dec 1, 2004

Ok, so you read the title of this article. First, I want to make something very clear: Everybody has his or her own personal tastes. Mine might differ from yours, and vice versa. That is not a bad thing. Difference is good. If I dislike something that you like, it’s a disagreement and nothing more. Don’t take it as a personal attack — I know how strong our feelings are towards our cars.

With that said, let me share with you what I feel will save you from being laughed at when you’re cruising in your pimped-out (or played-out) ride. I bring to you 10 unwritten laws of avoiding “Ricer-dom.”

1. Don’t copy other peoples ideas.
It’s as simple as that — the easiest way to avoid being laughed at is not to rip off someone else’s formula. Come up with your own stuff and keep it real. Then you can make fun of the guy that copies you.

2. Don’t half-ass anything.
I don’t care what modifications you do on your car, just do it right! Even the most exotic and expensive car parts can make your car look like doo-doo if it’s installed quickly and incorrectly. Do it right the first time. You’ll save yourself some humiliation and money.

Here’s a tip: You can save yourself a lot of ‘what a dork’ comments by painting your body kit after you install it. There’s nothing cool about driving around for three months with an un-painted white kit on your black car. You’re not going to impress girls with it. It doesn’t make you go faster (unfortunately, this is true even after its painted). Don’t do it.

This brings us to one of the most often ruined aspects of a car, its ‘custom’ body and paintwork. I know you think a Ford F350 headlight conversion on your Geo Metro is going to rock the house, but seriously, wouldn’t it look hideous? Especially if it isn’t done right and you’ve got waves in the sheet metal all around it. If you don’t have the tools and skill to do it perfect, don’t do it! Or keep trying until you can do it.

3. Don’t incorrectly label your car.
How many times are you cruising around and run into a Mitsubishi Mirage Nismo Type R Hybrid? Your mom’s Accord wagon isn’t going to be any cooler with the Acura badge you swapped onto it.

4. The Big-mod/Little-mod theory.
A small modification like a neon underbody kit looks corny if it’s the only thing done to your car. On the other hand, if you have a car that’s lowered, rim’d up, and supercharged, neon doesn’t look as pointless.

5. Avoid the over-excessive.
By this, I mean parts that are too large and out of proportion for your vehicle. A three-foot high wing might look great on a McDonnell Douglas DC-9 aircraft, but not on your 1992 Eagle Summit hatch. This goes for numerous other parts on your car, such as body kits and exhausts. There’s no point in putting a septuplet-pipe exhaust on your 4-Cylinder.

6. If you break it, fix it
How many body kits do you see on cars that are missing chunks, that are cracked, chipped, or just completely ripped off? Many, I’m sure, as most are made of fiberglass that will bust when it’s even slightly tapped. By modifying your car, it increases the amount of attention you get with it. And, by comparison, that same modified car will draw even more attention if it’s all banged up. So, what’s the goal with your car, positive or negative attention?

7. When it comes to performance, only add parts that add performance.
A muffler that’s louder than stock is not better, it’s annoying. If you add something to your motor, make sure it adds something to your performance level, and not your noise level. Sure, some exhausts are noisy, but if they increase your horsepower proportionally to their ruckus, it’s justifiable.

Also, suspension plays a big part in performance. Do it correctly and safely. There’s nothing safe about removing your stock springs and cutting three coils off of them and re-installing them on your stock struts, ‘cause it looks slammed, yo!’ No. Some engineer geek didn’t spend countless hours mathematically testing spring rates for the design and weight of your specific vehicle so you could go and hack half ‘em off.

8. The real purpose of all those subwoofers is...
...to hear your music, of course. If they act as a means of vibrating rust off of your vehicle’s undercarriage, your allocation of funds into your car needs to be re-evaluated.

9. Burn-Outs
Burnouts are perfect for warming up your shoes before a run down the drag strip. They don’t serve any purpose when leaving the Wal-Mart parking lot, the car wash, or after picking up your little sister at middle school. You’re not impressing anyone except for your local tire dealer that’s selling you new rubber every 8000 miles.

10. To all the bad-ass street racers.
Street racing is awesome... If your into possibly killing yourself and everyone around you. The worst aspect of any ricer is their ability to think they’re a pro drag racer while cruising home from school or work. You’re not showing off for the girls either by doing this, because, well, for one, they can’t even see you since your driving so damn fast. Go slow and be big pimpin’ so everyone can check out what you’re rocking, unless your at the drag strip.