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Hella Good
By Charles Thompson
Posted on Dec 1, 2004

Anyone who’s owned a car can recall at least one experience where they trusted some “expert” with the maintenance, repair, or upgrading of their precious possession, only to get hosed prison-movie style without so much as lubrication. Maybe it was that mechanic who stripped your oil filter threads just before that trip through Death Valley, or the one who turned a flush-and-fill into a valve job or new transmission. They start out so smooth, showing you their licenses and awards, reassuring you gently. And the next thing you know, your car is permanently half-finished and your britches are around your ankles.

But you’re brave and you’re strong, so you press on heroically. Your love for your vehicle and your powerful instincts to upgrade it cannot be stymied by some rogue mechanic’s incompetence. You even bought or stole this copy of CAR SOUND & PERFORMANCE, showing that not only do you know what’s best for your car, but that you’re one of the most brilliant minds in our society as well.

Starting out on upgrading either your car’s performance or audio/video, aren’t you just a little scared, though? You’re going to trust your baby and some mad crazy scrilla to the tuner industry, one that doesn’t necessarily even need a license or certification to do what they do. Don’t get me wrong: Most professional audio/video installers and performance experts do stellar work. Many of them have completed some serious schooling, and earned MECP (Mobile Electronics Certified Professional) or ASE (Automotive Service Excellence) certification on their own. For my cars, I totally trust Chris Anderson of Anderson Audio & Performance with the performance work, and Doug Potter of HiFi Buys with the audio/video work, because they meet every requirement for excellence I could ever want. It’s truly a luxury to get that trust and competence thing out of the way and show my rigs the love they deserve.

What if, unlike me, you don’t live in Atlanta, but you also want someone you can trust? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a test you could give a prospective tuner shop? You could hand the test to the owner, salespeople, and installers when you arrived. The questions could go like this:

Do you guys do car audio/video and performance?

A. Audio/video, no. Performance, yes. The stuff’s over there. Strut tower braces, Hella light kits, shift knobs, neon, aluminum pedals, the works.

B. What do you mean by “performance?”

C. All of the above. We started out as an audio/video store. We carry and install the major brands, and five years ago we expanded into performance in a big way. We can make your car sound better, go faster, handle better, stop better, and look better. We do everything from upgraded suspensions to turbochargers. We do wheels and tires, too. Our bodywork includes everything from bolt-on kits to custom widebodies. Let me show you our portfolio and introduce you to our ASE certified techs.

What qualifies you to do performance work on Corvette C5s?

A. My dad used to have a Corvette back in the ‘60s. Damn thing rode like a truck.

B. How hard could it be? It’s a Chevy, right?

C. I was the lead tech at Gotham Chevrolet for 15 years. I started this company five years ago, and we work on anything, but we specialize in ‘Vettes. Bobby over there and I race our own Corvettes almost every weekend. You’re welcome to come see us Saturday. We usually win.

What a perfect world that would be, am I right? Of course, the problem is that you can’t give these guys a written test. They might kick your ass. Or, if they’re smart, they’ll just lie and tell you what you want to hear. Then they’ll kick your ass.

But there’s nothing that says you can’t test a prospective tuner shop on the sly. Usually, it’s the salesperson who should be doing the listening, attempting to discern why you’re there and what products are best for you. But there ain’t a damn thing wrong with you keeping your pie hole shut and listening to them now and again as well. You might learn something about whether or not this shop’s for you. And keep your eyes open. Check out the place as you drive up. Does it look like a place you’d want to leave your car, or does it look like a shithole? What types of cars are parked out front and, more importantly, around back? Do they look clean and badass, or dusty and half-baked? Are the techs smoking in customers’ cars and sitting on the removed seats to eat lunch? Look around inside the shop. Does it look like they’re in it for the long haul, or does it look like they’d have no problem whatsoever packing up and leaving, say, tonight? Does it appear as if they’re in the performance and/or audio/video business, or like they’re just playing at it? (Clean, compelling, up-to-date displays and depth of stock will tell you a lot about that.)

If they do performance but not audio/video, displays and stock are less important than whether or not the shop appears to be a good place for mechanics. If you’re leaving your car to someone who will remove your engine and weld stuff onto it, that person damn well better be a freaking mechanic. Although it’s not required (with me, it is), ASE certification sure wouldn’t hurt. At the very least, you’re going to want to see a serious portfolio and get written or posted policies. You want to see machinery in good condition, and lots of it — lifts, separate fabrication area, hoists, air tools, body shop supplies, parts machining, welding stations.

Once you’re inside, how they treat you is paramount, because you might think this is your only upgrade, but take it from someone who knows: you’re never really done. Being “never done” can take on one of two personalities. ONE: It’s never done because you didn’t do your homework, didn’t administer the test, and now you’re stuck with a shop that can’t seem to answer their phone, can’t finish a project, and even when they finally do it, it’s never right. TWO: It’s never done because your chosen shop passed the test with flying colors. They’ve done such killer stuff with your vehicle that you get together and come up with even cooler stuff to do next. Your relationship is so good that they see you on Caller ID and answer on the first ring. You’re always running into each other at the drag strip, and they always buy the beer. And that, dearly beloved, is more than all good. It’s hella good.